“Until death do us part.”

My fingers slipped the wedding band onto Harry’s finger 41 ^1/2 years ago as I recited those five words to him.

Whenever I attended weddings in the past, I never focused on those words that are recited as a part of the wedding vows. The words are a reminder of the permanence of marriage, and I never contemplated what life would be like if I had lost my husband.

I am one of the ones who survived after being diagnosed with Covid-19. My husband Harry did not.

It’s been four and a half months now and I am still struggling to process what happened or speak of what happened. I miss him so much. I miss sitting with him at church, holding his hand, dancing with him, hearing his voice, our lunch and dinner dates, hearing the door open when he came home at night, and our time together at the end of each day. I miss the smell of his coffee brewing, the marketing tapes that he listened to as he shaved, the smell of his shaving cream, and seeing his briefcase next to the table where he sat to read the news on his computer.

I miss hiding chocolate chips from him because he would eat them before I could use them to bake cookies. I miss preparing his favorite meals for him and then packing them in small containers for him to take to work. I miss the way he used to tease our grandchildren, our family lunches after church on Sundays, and the way he lit up when he would talk about our future together.

I miss hearing his opinions on current events and sharing the latest family news with him as he beamed with pride for his loved ones. I miss being held by him, listening to him sing his favorite songs, and his love pats as he walked by me. I miss his strength, confidence, wisdom, encouragement, smile, laugh, and the sound of his deep voice.

I mourn because I know what I have lost. Harry and I were married 41 ^1/2 years. We could read one another’s thoughts, finish one another’s sentences, laugh at one another’s stories, and knew what was on the heart of the other. My heart would flutter whenever he entered the room and I thought he was the most handsome man in the world.

He was not only my husband, but also my advisor, mentor, and counselor. When I would tell him that I couldn’t do something, he would tell me that I could. If I told him that something was too difficult, he would tell me to do it anyway. He encouraged me to do things that I didn’t even know I was capable of doing. And he was my biggest cheerleader.

Today is Harry’s 65^th birthday. My human mind can only imagine choirs of angels singing, loved ones who have gone before us embracing him and his sweet smile as he takes in all the glory and majestic sights and sounds of Heaven. I can almost see him wrapped in the arms of our Lord and being held by our heavenly mother Mary and our dear St. Joseph. I’m positive that he is sharing stories with his friends and cousins who have gone before him.

I have not been able to get through one day without longing for him. I see him in my children and grandchildren. I carry Harry in my heart, wherever I go. I ask him to help me make decisions. He left part of himself in all of us. From the twinkle in the eye of his mischievous young grandson, to comments his son-in-law makes about movies that are comments similar to ones only Harry would make. I see him in the eyes and minds of my family. Every day, my children and I repeatedly say, “What would Harry do about this?”

I have been trying to redirect my thoughts to gratitude for the 41 ^1/2 years of marriage and the 43 years that Harry was in my life.  I am so grateful for having him as my husband, the father of our children and grandfather of our grandchildren. In time, I know that God will give me the strength that I need to get up each day and face the fact that Harry is not here and that one day, if it’s God’s will, we will be reunited in Heaven.

Only God can take our sadness and give us hope. Only God can take our grief and sorrow and give us the strength to move forward.  Even in our darkness, God will show us the light. He is always there for all of us, even when we are not there for Him.

I will continue to walk forward and move one step at a time, one minute at a time and one day at a time. I will continue the good works that Harry had started. I will continue to carry him in my heart and let his memory guide me. I will not think of myself as a victim but rather as a victor for having faith that will help me get through this.

Death has physically separated us, but my memories and prayers will keep us together for all eternity. This is not the end of our love story, but rather another chapter that is being written.

I don’t know what the next page holds in this chapter. This isn’t a chapter any of us saw coming, but one that God planned for. He knows what tomorrow holds, and that’s enough for me.

Happy 65th Birthday, Harry, my forever young groom, and my knight in shining armor. I miss you every day. I love you.